I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize