Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
