When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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