i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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