He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Let's paint friendship bongs
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
