I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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