I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
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