dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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