yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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