its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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