I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
