Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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