I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
