do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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