I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
