whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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