how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
