I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize