How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
