I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
