im drinking this country out of the recession.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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