Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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