Jerry, you need to find god
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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