dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
