plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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