May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
