Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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