Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
