We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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