So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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