so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
