I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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