i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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