allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
