I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize