Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
