I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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