if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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