I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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