Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
