haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
