omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
