so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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