Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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