Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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