Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize