Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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