It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
