I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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