wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
