i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
