just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
