First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
