I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
