this beer tastes like vomit already
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
